How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
