Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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