youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
