i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
