you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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