they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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