that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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