I cannot find my penis.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
