I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
