Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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