mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
