Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
this just has baby written all over it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
