so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
