When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
