This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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