I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
