I am puke
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
