Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
