It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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