Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
