Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
