FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
