white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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