Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
