My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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