I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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