Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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