17 year olds will be the death of me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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