Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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