Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am midnight drunk by noon
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
