Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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