you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
