I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
