The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
