I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
