I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
