Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
