Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
