dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
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as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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