just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
