I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
