Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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