Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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