plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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