and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
