now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
