She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
