How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Holy sore nipples Batman
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize