Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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