8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
