you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
