I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
