mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
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It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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