it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
