we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
