He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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