remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
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He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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