Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
