it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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