guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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