So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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