Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
